June is one of those months that have something for everyone. There’s Father’s Day, National Men’s Health Week, Juneteenth and Spring Solstice! Last month I ambitiously tried to tie together all the things recognized in May. This month I came to my senses and will focus on what speaks to me the most, fatherhood.
Father’s Day is a source of pride, celebration and gratitude for most of us – and it is also a confusing and painful holiday for just as many. My father was a model for selfishness, abrasiveness, manipulation and eventually, abandonment. Unfortunately, I am not alone in this experience, did you know that…
o Around 18.4 million children (23% of all children in the U.S.) live without a biological father present;
o Children without fathers at home are 5 times more likely to live in poverty than those in two-parent households;
o 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes;
o Children without fathers are 10 times more likely to use chemical substances, and 71% of adolescent patients in substance use centers come from fatherless homes.
o Around 80% of single-parent homes in the U.S. are led by single mothers;
o Children in single-parent families are twice as likely to suffer from mental health and behavioral problems compared to those in two-parent families.
If you combine the life experiences of my brother and I, we represent every one of those statistics. Looking back, It was a blessing that my father disappeared when I was 9. He wasn’t exactly fatherhood material and my mom was up to the task of pulling double duty. Since my brother and I were raised by a single mom and a cast of strong Hispanic women, I was left to piece together what being a good father meant from my grandpa, uncles, coaches, mentors, and my father-in-law. It wasn’t easy but through my searches I think I came up with a patchwork of father figures that allowed me to step into my own role as a father in a manner that was similar to the way I desperately needed when I was growing up. I want to honor the pieces of this mosaic with a few words for each.
- The men in my familia were not unlike many men of their generation. They were stoic but always there when you needed them, hardworking, and selfless. I never saw my grandpa or uncles shed a tear and felt especially lucky whenever I ever saw them smile or laugh (the best ever). They taught me that the needs of the family supersede my own, and there is a sacred honor in being able to help and provide for your familia.
- My high school football coaches were demanding, foul-mouthed (at times), and oh so enthusiastic. Sure, they jumped all over you if you kept making the same mistakes, or didn’t give practice your entire effort, but they were also jumping up and down on the sidelines for every touchdown, interception, sack, and down-field block. From them, I learned that being tough and being caring are not mutually exclusive.
